Love, Acceptance, and Presence

Ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to be loved and accepted.  First from my parents, and then from my friends and then from my lovers.  It was an endless desire that controlled my life.  When I was not getting the love and acceptance that I felt I had needed, I would modify my behavior until I figured out the way to get it.   I therefore relied heavily on using methods of control and manipulation to keep everything in place to avoid the empty feeling inside of me.  When I finally got the love I wanted, it was pleasurable, but it was never fulfilling and sustaining.  When the people I relied on to provide me with this love left me alone, I had a feeling of insecurity.  I had relied on this external type of love to sustain myself for almost my entire life.

When in a short period of time, I lost my marriage, my dog and I walked away from my job, I was left all alone.  I had no one to love me.  Feeling like I had nothing left to lose, I tossed the psychiatric medications that I had been on for 25 years of my life down the drain.  I would spend the next year and one half of my life in near complete solitude to find the love that I had never known before.  I found this love in my heart.

We all have this ability to be loving and accepting of ourselves, and that means reconnecting with our hearts.  While our minds are trying to figure out what love is, our hearts need no words.  Our hearts know that love is always right here and now, in presence.  We love and honor both ourselves and others when we give this greatest gift/present called presence.